the tattooed nurse

Birth

2010-04-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I've made it to my last semester of nursing school! I can't believe it's almost over. I'm excited and terrified. My last rotation is in maternal/obstetrics and pediatrics. The program starts with the "hardest" situations first (med/surg, neuro, operating room, orthopedics, telemetry, etc) and finishes up with the "easy" stuff--healthy moms and babies. As part of our preparation for class we were asked to interview our mothers and write a paper about our birth. I thought it would be fun to post mine here. Enjoy!

My Birth Story

My family is very consistent with traditions. We play the same games during holiday celebrations, we eat traditional foods to recognize special milestones and we have our birth story told to us by our mother, every year on our birth date.

It never fails that on the morning of my birthday, I will get a phone call from my mother for the annual retelling of my birth story. My mother has always told us she wants us to know how we came into this world and has kept this tradition strong for all four of her children. When we were much younger she would show us pages from her journal where she had documented her fears and joys related to being a new mother and all about her pregnancy. I always looked forward to seeing the journals and hearing my mom read about life before I was born. Even now, more than thirty years later, my mother has never missed a birthday retelling. Though I’ve heard the story many times, I still enjoy listening to what my mom went through and identifying with her the same anxiety and elation that I also experienced during the birth of my own children.

My mother was twenty-one years old when she and my father decided to start their family. They had been married for four years. It didn’t take long for my mother to conceive and she remembers being very excited at the prospect of motherhood. Her expected due date was March 27^th, 1980.

The morning of February 12^th, my mom awakened to use the restroom and while returning to bed felt a “dribble down her leg.” She woke up my dad who wasn’t convinced it was anything to worry about and explained to my mom that she probably just wet herself and then promptly rolled over to go back to sleep. My mom knew something wasn’t right and being so far from her due date she was worried enough to call the medical center to let them know. After a few nervous misdials she was able to get the hospital on the line and they told her to come right in.

My dad still wasn’t convinced my mom would be delivering so far from her due date and teased during the forty-five minute drive to the medical center that the trip was just a “practice run.”

Upon arriving to the Naval Regional Medical Center in Long Beach, California, it was confirmed that my mother’s bag of water had ruptured and that she was already 4cm dilated. My mom was scared and my dad was excited that labor was actually happening—they were going to be parents.

My mother was not offered any pain medication as her chart listed her birth plan as “natural/un-medicated.” Later, she would admit to not even knowing what an epidural was and that she had heard of the term “saddle block” but that was only given to a woman having a cesarean section. My mother recalls the intense pain and that she cried and swore through most of active labor. Through the whole process my father remained at the bedside. The facility protocol for a father who wanted to witness the birth was that the dad was assigned an assistant who stood behind him as a precaution to catch him if he fainted.

Right before moving to the delivery room, the obstetrician ordered a quick ultrasound to check for fetal placement. It was discovered at this time there were TWO BABIES inside. My mother had no clue she had been carrying TWINS. The chief of obstetrics was called at this point. There was lots of scurrying around as the delivery room was changed into an operating room and prepared for the delivery of two premature infants. At the time, my father was an active sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. Although medical benefits were available, prenatal care was very basic usually consisting of a few short questions for the mother, a monthly urine screening and a bottle of prenatal vitamins. Because this was my mother’s first pregnancy, she had no idea that she was feeling two babies move inside of her.

At 10:38AM I was born via vaginal delivery weighing four pounds and thirteen ounces. I cried right away and did not require additional resuscitation. My APGARS were 8/9. After my delivery my mom’s contractions stopped and she was told her next baby would probably be delivered by cesarean section. My mom was shocked. Everything was happening very fast. One of the delivery nurses then explained that sometimes external massage of the uterus can stimulate contractions. She showed my dad how to massage my mom’s belly and soon her contractions started up again. Twenty-two minutes later at 11:00AM, my identical twin sister, Sarah Ann, was delivered. She was quite small weighing only four pounds, four ounces and needed some supplemental oxygen after delivery.

My mother was taken to the post partum unit where she was told by her nurse that she should expect one, if not both, of her babies to die since the facility was not equipped with a neonatal unit. My mom was terrified but determined to care for both her babies and spent most of her recovery in the nursery with my sister and me. I was discharged from the nursery when I reached five pounds at nine days old. My sister was discharged after sixteen days in the nursery.

Even today I am amazed when I hear what my mom went through to deliver my sister and me safely. It’s also strange to imagine a pregnancy with very little in the way of medical intervention. I’ve had the opportunity to deliver three healthy children and with all three pregnancies I was followed by an obstetrician, a physician’s assistant, a nurse practitioner and a neonatal specialist. I was subjected to multiple ultrasound studies, lab tests, questionnaires and assessments. It seemed like every month of my pregnancy was charted and documented. In comparison to the very limited care my mother received, its obvious protocols are much different today. It’s also interesting to me that pain management was not a goal in my mother’s labor plan. She was never asked about her pain goal or offered analgesics of any kind. Today, epidurals are routinely administered and it’s assumed that most women in labor will request to have some sort of pain control method. In fact, it’s become more and more uncommon to have a drug-free labor and delivery.

I often think how frightening it must have been for my mother to not only be pregnant for the first time, but in labor for the first time, and knowing she’s six weeks before her due date—but also to discover only moments before delivery that she was having two babies instead of one. I’m so proud of my mother and the strength and courage she maintained through such an intense ordeal. I believe it speaks volumes to what we as women are capable of and our natural instinct to adapt during traumatic circumstances. Although I have my personal birth story memorized, the account never loses its power to amaze me.

Wow

2010-01-06T16:50:00.000-08:00

Been awhile since I updated. Chalk up my laziness to the fact that this was the hardest quarter yet. Financial issues, family issues and life in general seemed to keep me in a constant state of near drowning. Things seem to be calming down a bit now that the holidays are behind me and I can concentrate better.

A quick look back at last quarter: Clinicals were exceptional and I even had a day where I caught a decubitus ulcer in it's early stage of formation on a patient post hip replacement surgery. Score one for the student nurse! I really enjoyed my facility and I'm sad that I won't be at the same hospital this quarter. I had the opportunity to give injections, start IV's, dressing changes, IV push medications, give oral medications, hang antibiotics, start IV fluids, and run around like crazy in the ER. It was fabulous.

I'm also excited to announce that I achieved a 4.0 last quarter! I scored a 104% on my pharmacology final! Woohoo! I studied my buttocks off so I feel that I earned every point of that grade--oh and did I mention I took my last final the morning of the 23rd of December? Talk about being a headcase. Trying to get that kind of studying done while dealing with work and holiday responsibilities (parties, gifts, presents, wrapping, shopping, placing orders, receiving orders, decorating, trying not to murder my children whom seemed to have been in a constant state of sugar-rush... oh, and did I also mention that my son's birthday is December 20th?) was ridiculous. I'm trying my hardest to block it from my memory right now.

This quarter even though it began only this week, I already feel that it's going to be my favorite. I'm studying medical/surgical II but more excitingly I begin my mental health rotation. Mental health has always interested me, one of those kinds of things that hit close to home. My instructor is incredible and has been a psych nurse/practitioner for 29 years. She's amazing. I'm really thrilled to be her student and I hope to learn as much as I can from her the next twelve weeks.

Whew. That's my pitiful attempt at an update. It's hard to even verbalize the difficulty of attending nursing school. I think I avoid this blog because when I started it, I was hoping it would be an outlet for me to vent about my college experiences but, as it turns out, I can't even think about venting because then it would make my stresses more poignant and I just don't know if I would have the strength to keep going if I had too much recollection of my experiences. Some kind of mental protection, I'd guess.

When my husband and I rang in the new year he leaned down to kiss me and I asked him, "What are you looking forward to in 2010?" After a not so quick smooch he whispered into my ear, "you graduate this year. Thank God."

It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that this year, 2010, I WILL GRADUATE. I have to. I don't know how much more myself or my family can put up with!

Here's to 2010!!!

Harsh Reality

2009-11-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to get caught up in the daily routine of class and homework and employment responsibilites. When involved in any one task it isn't hard for me to remain focused. But all this extra focusing has cost a lot more than I thought it would. Time is my enemy because there never seems to be enough of it. I'm constantly racing and planning and scheduling in the hopes that there won't be a fraction of a second wasted to any unnecessary task and yet, I'm still struggling to keep afloat. How do I manage? How to I plan? I haven't a clue.

A phrase I hear most often, "I don't know how you do it!"

Well, I don't know how I do it either. In fact, I try not to think too hard about how it is I actually accomplish the things I need to do. If I thought about it too much, I might have a nervous breakdown.

Not to mention

*my power has been turned off

*my internet is off

*my phone is turned off

*my gas is turned off

*my tuition is over due

*lost the insurance on my car due to non-payment

*my car is running on fumes because I don't have any money to put gas in the tank

I'm drowning. How can I concentrate on reading ECGs and central line dressing changes and 12 hour work shifts on top of 12 hour clinical rotations when I can't turn on my lights or cook dinner on my stove?

This sucks. Big time.

Just for fun

2009-09-13T13:53:00.001-07:00

Back Burner

2009-08-27T13:07:00.001-07:00

I love school. If I had the means I would attend some sort of educational institution for the rest of my life. I love to read and learn and explore. I'm completely enthralled with the physiology of the human body. I love the feeling when I can put the puzzle pieces together and it all clicks--signs, symptoms, medications, interventions, rationals--it's very satisfying.

That said, I guess what I wasn't prepared for is how everything else in my life has taken a huge dive on my list of priorities since starting nursing school. It seemed for a while that I was just slightly re-arranging things but when I finally slowed down enough to actually take an inventory of my responsibilities, I realized that everything that used to be so important, has plummeted to the near bottom of my own personal list of concerns. I'm not one to procrastinate, and I'm trying hard to convince myself that these short comings are entirely school-related and not due to increased laziness on my part.

Here are a few things /I don't have time for/have let go/have forgotten about/miss/:

-plucking my eyebrows

-painting my toenails

-watching movies

-watching TV

-weeding the yard

-laundry always done and put away

-dishes piled up for days at a time in the kitchen sink

-remember deadlines

-paying bills on time

-never forgetting a bday or anniversary

-arriving to work on time

-children clean every night

-home made dinners

-updated pictures and blogs

-quality time with my husband

-seeing my friends regularly

-baking

-listening to music

-reading for fun

-wearing make-up

-sleeping in

-being lazy with the kids just because

-making my bed

-vacuuming regularly

-dusting

-calling my Mom

It kind of irritates me when people tell me, "oh, it will all be worth it when you're done!" because I sometimes wonder if it actually will. When student loans are waiting to be paid and I can't find a job I like, what do I do then? I went outside to get the mail and my daughter shouted, "Bye Mom!" and I wanted to cry. She's so used to me leaving all the time....

School is great. But it's an incredible sacrifice. I hope I can take it.

Personality?

2009-08-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

I took a personality test for an interpersonal relations class and these are my results...interesting

Extroverted (E) 59.46% Introverted (I) 40.54%
Intuitive (N) 51.11% Sensing (S) 48.89%
Thinking (T) 52.78% Feeling (F) 47.22%
Judging (J) 75.76% Perceiving (P) 24.24%

ENTJ - "Field Marshall". The basic driving force and need is to lead. Tend to seek a position of responsibility and enjoys being an executive. 1.8% of total population.

Only 1.8% of the population is like me...I didn't think I was that weird!

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Reality

2009-07-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

When starting nursing school over a year ago, my admissions advisor told me point blank--"don't get married, don't have a baby, don't even get pregnant, and don't get a new job...you're going to be stressed out enough with school..."

Well, I've broken one of those rules. I've left the OR behind me and have returned to my roots...patient bedside care. I accepted a new position on a unit in the hospital I currently work at so it's not so much a NEW job, but still much different. My first shift is bright and early in the morning. I'm terrified. And exhausted already. But I'm looking forward to putting to good use the last twelve months of studying, practice assessments, and nursing care plans.

I started clinicals last week and on Wednesday, was given my own patient. My clinical instructor told us, "you're in the real world now!" and I felt like throwing up a little bit. It's finally sinking in that in the not too distant future, I will be responsible for keeping people alive. I would be lying if I didn't say that it terrifies me.

Deep breaths. I can do this.

Last

2009-07-12T15:04:00.000-07:00

I earned my CNA (certified nurses assistant) ten years ago. Every two years, my state requires that I re-register to stay current in the department of professional licensing. I have to certify that I've provided at minimum, 200 hours of patient care in those two years.

This month, I re-certified for the LAST TIME as a CNA. By the time my license expires, I will be eligible to sit for the NCLEX boards and become a REGISTERED NURSE.

Feels good. Feels real good.

half-way mark

2009-07-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

365 days.

52 weeks.

34 anxiety attacks.

6 packages of pens.

4 reams of paper.

19 packages of flashcards.

13 classes.

47 credit hours.

8 A's.

1 B+.

4 B's.

Today marks ONE YEAR since I started nursing school.

I'm on the downward climb and it feels WONDERFUL.

Brittle

2009-06-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

My sanity is in a very brittle state. Finals have creeped their way into my life yet again. I thought, by this point, I would have a better handle on the stress and anxiety that comes along with the sheer horror of proving I know my stuff through written word and laboratory practicums. Ha. Not even close. I haven't been able to sleep in over a week. My stomach aches constantly and heart palpitations have become a regular part of my everyday life. On average, I have the feeling of ice water being dumped down my back or injected into my veins at least twice a day. My gut bottoms out and I have to gulp in large amounts of air to try to steady myself and hold onto my vision when I think about what will happen to me and my family if I blow it...

And now, I have the greatest of all detractors added into this quagmire of stress: financial problems. I'm trying to find a way to refinance my student loans but with everything else going on with school and work and kids and life, it's been difficult to get a moment to sit down and figure out a way to get another loan. Money is ridiculously tight right now and I've only been able to make partial payments to the school for the amounts I owe that aren't covered by government financial aid. I now owe over two thousand dollars and I have to pay it before they will let me take my finals on Monday. I need a student loan and I needed it yesterday...

It's so frustrating to me. All I want to do is get my degree. This is a good thing. This is something that will benefit the community in the long run. It's something that not everyone can do. And I'm here, waving my arms in the air, shouting: pick me! pick me! I'll do it! I'll be under appreciated, underpaid, have strangers vomit/bleed/poop/pee on me! I'm all for it!

Only there's no one out there to lend a hand in financing my dream. I wonder what hospital bank CEO's go to? I wonder if they realize that one day, sooner or later, they will need a nurse's care. And I wonder if there will be anyone there to assist them.

Being poor sucks.

Laugh or Cry

2009-06-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have to blow off a little steam in order to ward off a full-scale mental breakdown.
Or maybe nursing school midterms can cause ulcerative nipples. Who knew?

Exceptional

2009-05-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

I'm so good I don't even need to be able to see your parts in order to straight cath you. That's right, I can cath invisible junk. Go me.

I see dead people...

2009-04-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, not real dead people. Plastic mannequins called "Sim Man". Get it? Like he's a simulation of a man? Pretty clever!

Anyway, these are the guys (and girls, depending on what parts are jammed into the open space between the legs) which I will be practicing on for the next year. This quarter is still mostly a refresher course. I'll be responsible for dressing wounds, taking vital signs, and other activities of daily living with my new friend. It's kinda creepy to see bodies laying under sheets on donated hospital beds but it makes sense that I would learn skills on an unsuspecting plastic man before I'm unleashed on the general public.

Survived!

2009-03-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

Finals are over. I passed all my classes. I narrowly missed A's in two classes (84% in Microbiology and 87% in Physiology) but considering the massive amounts of information to learn in such a short period of time, I'll take B's with a smile.

I mean, when I lay it all out I realize I work part time, have three demanding kids, one in school full-time, one in school part-time and one being potty trained, my husband's crazy work schedule between his two jobs and a puppy still in the midst of house-training, plus housework, laundry, etc...I think I can feel OK about B's in nursing school.

I'm just glad another quarter is behind me! It's a pretty great feeling to know my hard work paid off--and it's always a nice feeling when I get to chuck all my old flashcards (don't worry, I keep the really important ones in my NCLEX study pile....)

Next on the agenda? A quick trip to visit family in Henderson, NV and then it's time to get organized for my new quarter which begins April 6th. I'm looking forward to some fun new classes; Pathophysiology, Nutrition, and Nursing Fundamentals! Time to start writing care plans, yippee!

Brain Fry

2009-03-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm brain deep into finals and feeling every flash card and diagram as it unleashes havoc across my central nervous system. I hope I survive.

Quadriceps femoris

2009-03-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

After nursing school I will be the $53,000-woman. Or, more accurately, the $53,000-worth-of-student-loan-debt-woman. Either way, I'll still be able to kick really hard.

Diaper Duty

2009-03-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

Thanks Norah!

Being a Mom and a full-time nursing student has been more difficult than I could have imagined. But, it does have it's advantages:

1. I already know how to function on less than four hours of sleep a night. Whether it's Norah crying about a lost binky, Veeve needing a few calming words after her regularly occurring nightmare (usually about sharks and/or bees) or a midnight Microbiology cram session....regardless, I'm all set.

2. I am unusually comfortable talking about bodily functions. With three kids in the house, my day is never lacking in talk of poop, jokes about poop or helping Norah potty train. It's not uncommon to get into a conversation with any of my kids regarding all manner of bodily fluid evacuation. Awesome. Makes asking strangers if they need to "go potty," that much less of a chore. I say it about fifty times a day anyway.

3. AND...I can take a sample of my daughters stool to school and make a streak plate for my Microbiology lab. A+++

Guess who made the Dean's List?

2009-02-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

Woot.

Grin and Bare It

2009-01-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I am looking forward to once I graduate. Of course it will be fulfilling to have a college degree. It will be ridiculously exciting to start my new job as a nurse and to feel accomplished at succeeding in a life-long dream. But there's other, less obvious changes that have been coming to the forefront of my brain as I delve into the third quarter of school.

1. I won't have to work my lame job anymore.

I'm so over being "low man on the totem pole." I'm too smart for most of the political bullshit that goes on at work not to mention my actual job requirements. The back-biting and gossiping that seems to infect all parts of my low level employment is so draining. I know there will be certain head games that will have to be played once I'm working as a nurse (since that's a fact of life; hospital politics never disappear) but at least I'll be able to have more of a standing with my colleagues. In the medical world, a degree is everything. Working in a hospital with no degree? Well, you may as well be a walking mop. Ugh.

2. I can tell a certain bar (who has owned my husband for the better part of eight years) to burn in Hellfire for eternity.

I HATE the bar job my husband works at. I hate the hours he has to work, I hate the people who work there (except for a chosen few whom I hope will also escape one day), I hate the drama and the lies which are never ending and I hate the despair that seems to cloud the atmosphere and choke it's patrons and employees. I want my husband OUT of that lifestyle. For good. Forever. Done. Over. My degree will set him free.

I can't wait.

3. I get to tell people what I do for a living and be proud to say it.

"Hey Rachel! I haven't seen you in forever! How's life? Where are you working nowadays?"

"Oh, I work at a Children's Hospital. I love it"

"How interesting! What do you do there?"

"I'm a registered nurse."

I know in my heart this is the right choice not just for me, but my family too. Now I just need to convince my brain to give a little help in my huge Physiology test on Wednesday in order to keep the dream alive! Come on, Brain! You can do it!

Temporary Insanity

2009-01-09T16:57:00.000-08:00

As if starting my second semester of nursing school, potty training a very independent two year old and taking an extra shift a week at the hospital wasn't keeping me busy enough, I've decided to add a three month old pit bull puppy into the mix.....what was I thinking?

Good thing he's extremely adorable...Introducing Achimedes Leopold.

I'm staring at a week's worth of homework in front of me and my house is a complete disaster. I've probably gone through half a spray bottle of carpet cleaner since Wednesday but this little man, my little "Archie" still has my heart....sigh....

Wish me luck....I'm gonna need it!

It Begins...

2009-01-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

My next quarter of nursing school starts today. I'm excited to see friends again and to have the chance to put my brain into high gear after the long winter break, but I'm not stoked for early morning drives through a blizzards to get to class on time.

I miss my scooter....

In the bag

2008-12-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

Second quarter is in the bag, baby! I can't believe I'm already through my first semester of nursing school! I'm also feeling pretty good because this quarter, I earned a 4.0 grade point average...that means I got ALL A's!

So now I have a week to stick at home and remember what life used to be like before I was absorbed by deadlines and papers and reading, always reading...

Then it's back to school in January for another enlightening 12 weeks of school. On next quarter's menu: Psychology, Microbiology and Physiology. Mmmmmm, tasty.

I'm excited to spend some extra time with my kiddos the next few days and even more excited for Christmas morning. This year has been hard for me because we're so broke, but thanks to family and friends who are too amazing for words, the kiddos will not notice a difference in the amount of gifts waiting for them under the tree.

I'm already planning Christmas in a few years when I'll be finished with school and hopefully in a financial situation where I can repay the goodwill that has helped our family these last few weeks. As for now, I think I'll reward my efforts with a quick re-read of Twilight. I've earned me some Edward time, don't you think? I'm off to Forks, WA...be back next year!

2008-11-08T21:16:00.000-08:00

At the start of the term I was mortified that I
had to take Chemistry over again but I have to say, it's been pretty amazing. It's so wonderful to have another chance to really absorb all the concepts. I know it will help me in my classes next quarter and in the future, help me to be that much better of a nurse.

I've even been asked on a few separate occasions to work problems in front of the class. I love helping the other students understand and I hope that because I can help them, they won't have to retake the class like I've had to. At a class last week when I was explaining Avagadro's number and the association of atomic weight to moles of any element, my dear friend and fellow nursing student, Alicea, snapped a few geeky pictures of me. I decided I just had to post them. The scrapbook of my nursing student adventure would not be complete without them! Thanks Leeshy! I look forward to us both getting big fat A's on the chem final in a few weeks!

Political

2008-11-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

I had to take a break from my normal posts about school to take advantage of the political climate currently saturating daily life. Some people feel overwhelmed or rather insignificant with all the changes bubbling in our country’s policies right now but I think it’s exciting and I figured what better way to allow my opinions to take shape than to do something very American—blog about it.

I feel very fortunate to be able to participate in such a climactic period in American history. When I think about the changes our country faces, I’m almost giddy with anticipation. I can feel the change in the air like mustard gas, slowly creeping across the ground seeping into the soil and filtering through the cracks under the doors of every American home. Survival or certain death seems to be the only choices offered by the mainstream media. Only I have shied away from both those areas of conventional wisdom. I believe now is the time for unstoppable change. Now is the time for revolution. I refuse to sit back and let decisions be made on my behalf, or on the behalf of my family. I reject the belief that our society is functioning at an acceptable level. We are capable of so much more and now is the time to prove not to our country and the world but to ourselves, as a united people, that we are capable of enormous good.

I was raised very conservatively, mostly due to very strict religious beliefs imposed by my parents so there was never much discussion about worldly issues or ideas. Most of what I could gather about social issues came from Sunday school and were very biased and close-minded. I was never encouraged to ask questions because that was equated to a lack of faith which was very much looked down on. It wasn’t until I reached high school that I started questioning the protective bubble I was enclosed in and began methodically searching for a sharp object to burst that bubble and take my first steps toward intellectual freedom.

I am frequently snubbed into the more liberal category but I think that stems directly from my upbringing. I was always told what to do, how to think, what to believe in and so it goes against my very identity and everything I’ve fought long and hard to repair in my own life to reach out and tell those around me how to live their lives or what to believe in. I don’t plan to go back on that philosophy now, but I can’t let another day pass without taking this time to allow my readers a brief peek into my personal ideology.

Same-Sex Marriage

I believe everyone has the same rights to marry; sexual orientation should not make any difference whatsoever. There’s no sanctity of marriage unless you and your spouse decide and prove through your personal actions, that it is sacred to you. I believe this is a form of discrimination and it should be corrected by allowing a change to the Constitution to allow marriage between whoever is willing to make the commitment. All couples should be allowed a civil union, and then the individual churches can decide if they will recognize or allow same-sex marriages to take place in their specific rites. This will keep “sacred” certain acts as practiced by religions but still allow marriage for everyone under the law.

Abortion Rights

The sides about abortion are most frequently drawn between people who are Pro-Life and people who are Pro-Abortion. It is ludicrous to think any woman in her right mind would be pro-abortion. No one is pro-abortion. It’s referred to as Pro-Choice and that’s all it means; choice. In a perfect world every baby would be planned for and healthy but as everyone knows, this is not reality. There are women who make desperate decisions with whether or not to keep their pregnancy and I would never feel comfortable making that kind of decision for them. Although, I would never have an abortion myself, I would never think for one second I could make that decision for another woman. I would never agree with anyone forcing a pregnancy on someone who isn’t ready, just like I would never agree to force someone to end their pregnancy when they really wanted a child.

Religion

I live in Utah. Need I say more? I don’t care who you worship or who you DON’T worship. I just wish people wouldn’t use their religion as a façade for hatred and bigotry. When I see religious groups spending so much effort and time and money to speak out against sexual orientation or even other religious groups it helps to remind me why I do not choose to belong to a religion and also, why I do not expect my young children to worship blindly. When they are old enough to make an educated decision of their own regarding their spirituality and the kind of relationship they decide to have with whatever God they want to recognize, I will support them 100% In the mean time the values I teach are basic-love and be loved, be a friend, help others and never stop learning.

Education

Education in our country is substandard to say the least. Our teacher’s are expected to not only teach our children, but help raise them as well. I have a child in the public education system and my experience with volunteering with his classroom is that there are many kids there who have not been taught how to respect their teachers or education in general. I believe starting early in the home to teach our children how to respect education is the way to promote better students and give our teachers time to actually teach instead of disciplining misbehavior or teaching basic manners and respect. These things should be introduced to kids long before they reach the public school system.

Healthcare

Basic healthcare should not be a luxury afforded to those wealthy enough to pay for it. Basic healthcare should be a right as a United States citizen and provided by our government free of charge. I’ve worked for a very large insurance company in the past so I have firsthand experience with how evil these corporations are. These companies are only concerned with dollar signs and rarely consider the actual human impact of their actions. There’s no reason, in a culture as advanced as ours, that our citizens should be denied the most basic of cares. And I believe this also includes preventative care. Some of the most expensive healthcare needs are for conditions that could have been prevented or taken care of much at a much lower expense if caught in the early stages. This is a subject that is very dear to me as I work every day toward my nursing degree. I hope one day the changes will be made that allow every American the chance to seek out medical care without penalty.

I know many of my ideas are grandiose but it’s my belief that as long as I’m dreaming big, change will happen. I will never give up wanting to be a better person-a better mother, wife, friend and student. Because if I do, all my work and dreams and passion will have gone to waste and I can never allow that to happen.

Midterms-The Return

2008-11-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Midterms have arrived again. I'm not near as stressed about it as I was last quarter probably for a few reasons. I'm in more of a school mode this time around so I'm not freaking out all over the place. I know what to expect and I'm taking it all in stride. Plus, it's easy to be mellow about midterms when you've been banished to taking general study curriculum classes only. Besides Chemistry, I'm only taking a composition class (which has no midterm, only papers due every other week) and a Sociology class which is purely discussion/reading based so there's really no study involved in that class either.

So far this term school has been pretty low-key. My evil Chem teacher resigned so now I have a new instructor and she is amazing! Unfortunately, due to the delay in securing a new teacher, we missed a whole week of classes and won't even cover the chapters of O-chem that killed me in the final for last quarter. So now I'm paying to take this class again to basically review. Ugh. But, it's nice to feel very comfortable with the material and I've even been able to tutor the other students due to my overkill knowledge of the basic info which has been fun (surprisingly!)

I love my sociology class. We've been discussing politics a lot which puts me in the liberal crybaby minority but it's still interesting to have such an open classroom. I'll be sad when it's over. It's nice to have a class to vent all my social issues and actually have great feedback from a very intelligent instructor.

As long as all goes well, I'll have a full schedule next quarter and will be caught back up with my nursing classes. I'm looking forward to having classes that are more pertinent to my major but this little detour has definitely been enlightening.

Turbulence

2008-10-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

Finals are over. I'm am relieved that I'm already medicated for anxiety because I've just survived the most frustrating, scary, intimidating, exhausting week of my life and without pharmaceuticals, things could have been much worse. Much, much, worse.

Here's the lowdown:

Anatomy: B
Whew. Thank the good graces of the Anatomy Gods. Sometimes I think my brain cells are too old to keep in so many terms and diagrams. But I managed to pull it off.

Math 101: A
First "A" ever in my history as a math student. That says something about how amazingly great (and cute!) my Math teacher was.

Strategies for Success: A
This is one of those bullcrap classes everyone has to take. It's purpose is to enlighten the budding student with great study processes and learning techniques. For me, it was a kick ass instructor and I, talking about NPR and Ira Glass for two hours a week. Duh. Of course I got an A!

Nursing Fundamentals: A

I loved my instructor for this class. She is a painfully good nurse and that makes for a wonderful teacher. She always had nice things to say about me too...so of course I thought she was the best! I spent a few hours a week playing with dosage calculations, figuring out the rate to run an infusion pump to administer the correct medication dose and practiced reading doctor's orders. I was in heaven! It was like a dress rehearsal for clinicals. I can't wait for more!

Organic Chemistry: B
I was surprised I got a "B". I really felt like I was living in "C" land most of the term so needless to say, Rachel had a mini stroke when she was handed her final report card to see a big, fat, juicy "F" under the Organic Chemistry heading.

HOLY
CRAP
ON
A
CRACKER.

Turns out to pass the class, you have to get at least a 70% on the comprehensive final. I was vaguely aware of this at the start of the term, but was unaware my score was so close to the cut-off. I rolled a lovely 68%. That's right. I passed the class but missed the completion points needed to pass the final by ONE QUESTION! **insert giant Rachel breakdown in the education office, complete with hysterical tears in front of the nursing program director**

I've never, ever failed anything before in my life! (Except for classes the last quarter of high school that I never showed up for...) I studied my butt off! I lived and breathed that class and I still wasn't able to pull the score. The toughest part about it is that some of the questions I got wrong, I knew in my soul of souls that I had correct. I contacted my instructor about said questions and he assured me that no change would be made to the score. I sat down with my program director to explain the problem and although she agreed with me on a few of my arguments, in the end she felt it was up to my instructor to make the final call and well, he wasn't going back on his grade. Yay for me fighting for my rights and thus being made the example.

Ugh. So, now I'm considered "off track" in my studies. I'm not allowed to take any nursing classes (sniff, sniff :( ) until I pass Organic Chemistry. Yup...I have to take the class again. And with the same instructor, no less. Today was my first class and let me just say one word. Awkward. I think he had a good idea I was sending him hot pokers from my eyes directly into his while also imagining myself kicking him in the face with a golf shoe.

A stipulation of my "off track" status was to submit a letter to my program director and schedule a hearing with her and the other nursing board members in order to be given permission to be allowed back into the program. The letter needed to explain the "barriers" that kept me from passing the class the first time and also what I would do to make sure these same "barriers" didn't hinder my progress a second time.

As I sat down to type the letter, my first impulse was to scream for an hour or so. Then I wanted to write the nastiest, most terrible letter about how my instructor ruined my life, was a horrible teacher, taught us the wrong way to do equations but corrected his mistakes in time for the test questions which we all got wrong, took away points for questions I know I answered correctly which forced me to retake the class, setting me back a whole quarter and costing me another $2,500 dollars. All over two stinking points...

But I didn't. I outlined my new game plan. And that's exactly what this program is...a game. I was trying to be a good student but what I really need to be is a good player. It's all politics and who you know or better yet, who you piss off or don't piss off.

I explained in my letter that a contributing issue to my failing the final was due to time management. I promised to allot additional time for study and reading than I had the previous quarter and also to spearhead a group study effort in my new class. I also explained that if I was going to have to retake the whole class again, and since I was already familiar with the course information, that that would put me in a great position to become a peer tutor. I offered that if my additional education put me in the place to help other struggling nursing students when it came to this difficult class, that maybe it was worth missing that one question and thus being short those two points.

It's been a rough few days, trying to adjust to my failures. I've never been one to really give myself a pat on the back, so this outcome hasn't really been the best for my mood or my already dwindling ability to cope with life in general. I'm trying very hard to not let this situation sit and fester in my bones but if you weren't aware that I'm the most stubborn person ever created then this may surprise you. I will probably be mourning over this grade for the rest of my days...

Nauseous

2008-09-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

When I completed my CNA course seven years ago, I bought myself a graduation present. A Littmann stethoscope personalized with my name. I hoped one day I would be using this same stethoscope to auscultate my own patients as their nurse. My plans to return to school were side-tracked for a few years and the stethoscope found a new home laying in the back of my linen closet.

Last week I unearthed it from the pile of old towels and pillowcases. I held it lightly, remembering the times I had used it. I wondered if I would ever be able to use it as an RN.

I take my first final exam today. I've tried my best to study in every available moment. I recite terminology while brushing my teeth. I practice naming the chemical compounds on the back of my shampoo bottle while I wash my hair. I recite the mitosis cycle of the cell while I'm scooting my way to school. Sometimes, while stopped at a red light, I catch myself calling out terminology and I don't realize the windows of the car parked next to me are down. They probably wonder why the heck this lady on the scooter is talking to herself about the endocrine system....

My greatest fear is that I'll never be able to use my fancy Littmann for anything other than a Halloween costume, or the occasional play day when the girls want to play "baby doctor" and borrow it to "listen" to the heart of their CareBears and baby dolls.

It hangs at the side of my desk now. Slightly swinging with the vibrations of my busy household. Like a clock's pendulum, ticking off the seconds that bring me closer to success....or to failure.

...I think I'm going to throw up.

Focus

2008-08-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's the little things that help me get through my days. I've been reading a book called Vital Skills: Study Strategies Every Nursing Student Must Know as a part of required reading for my Nursing Fundamentals class. It sounded like a very hokey title but it's actually a great read and has helped me really get a handle on my studying process. I thought I had good study habits, but this material is so different, so dense and so immense that my "old" ways of learning weren't nearly adequate. This book is specially geared toward the nursing student and the challenges of the unique education to become a registered nurse.

I've taken a few of the books' suggestions to heart. The first one being positive thinking. It's helpful while studying to think about why this information is pertinent and how it will relate to me once I'm a nurse. This has kept me in my seat on more than one occasion during Chemistry class when every muscle fiber is set on bolting through the door. I try to put the terms into a positive light by picturing myself acing pharmacology or physiology because I was such a great chemistry student. Like I said, hokey, right? Well, when it comes to chemistry and I, we are mortal enemies so I'm willing to give anything a shot. And surprisingly, it's not that hard to see how this class will link to my other studies, I just have to put actual effort into admitting it.

Another suggestion from the book is to have a focus--print out a "fake" diploma with your name on it and put it on the fridge or in a place that you will see everyday. Use it as a motivator to stay on your study schedule or to get a boost throughout the day. Anything that will keep you thinking of your future once you've passed your exams and achieved your goals. For me, I decided the best place was to put something on my phone since I look at it seven million times a day. So, I used the banner function on my phone and I typed my first and last name with the title "R.N." at the end, just like what my license will say when I pass the NCLEX and become a registered nurse. Now when I open my phone, the main screen has a little focal point for me to read all day long. It seems trivial but it's a nice reminder for me to stay focused and work hard. At this point, I'm using all the good advice I can find to keep me in the zone. Fingers crossed!

Humbled

2008-08-25T08:30:00.001-07:00

I've never been the kind of person who accepts help easily. But with our current situation, I've had to swallow my pride and admit that I can't do everything. It's taken major effort to ask for help with the kids or even worse ask for financial assistance. When Kris lost his job, we also lost our medical benefits and with three small kids who are prone to catastrophe it was apparent we were going to need some state assistance. The kids are covered by CHIP now and I was surprised to learn there is also a health insurance program which Kris and I were eligible for. It just covers a few of the basics but we accepted it happily.

We've even had to apply for food assistance. It's so embarrassing to admit that you can't even afford the basic needs of life. The only thing that lessens the blow is knowing that it's only temporary. As soon as I can get through this schooling we will be in a much better place financially.

I've only hinted at our situation to a few family and friends, like I said, I've always had my pride to overcome, but sometimes blessings just seem to find their way to our quaint little home. Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister Alissa, along with three of my dearest friends, walked into our house carrying bags of groceries. They had all pitched in to buy us at least a month of food. Our cabinets are stocked, the freezer is near bursting and we've resulted to storing extra paper towels and toilet paper in the bedroom! Even as I type this now my letters are blurred from the tears that won't stop coming.

"Thank You" seems like such a trivial response to such a wonderful act of generosity. I won't lie and say my first reaction was guilt at having to be in a situation which requires "handouts" but I quickly replaced those feelings with ones of sincere thankfulness at the wonderful people in my life who would do something so kind for our struggling family.

I survive by continuing to tell myself our situation is only temporary and every day I make a promise to volunteer at the 4th Street Clinic when I am a licensed nurse, to pay back what I've taken with service to the homeless.

This incredible act of kindness has been the motivation I've needed to pull me out of a slump I've been slowly creeping into. With so much going on all the time, I seem to be overwhelmed for the better part of everyday trying to manage my time between being an excellent student, a perfect mother, a loving wife, an outstanding employee and an available friend. It helped me realize that my support system is greater than I give it credit for and my only responsibility to to myself and my schooling and if I'm lacking in a few places I have an army of amazing people begging to step up. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Familiar

2008-08-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

This blog is an outlet, a chance to complain to anyone who reads about my trials as a student and Mom and wife and all the other labels I carry. It's much easier for me to create a post that mentions only the stressful parts of school. I guess it's time that I take the chance to share some things about school that are not terrible.

It occured to me while scooting my way to school one morning that there are good--even GREAT, things about going back to school. Maybe during finals, when I want to jump off a high building, I can remember this post and the good parts about working to become a nurse. But right now I'm having a "big picture" moment and it's all adding up in nice little rows. I'm typing fast because this feeling probably won't last...

Something I have learned about myself is that I'm a good student. Shocker, right? My highest grade right now (98.4%) is in MATH class. I never thought that would ever happen in my whole life. I've always been a terrible math student. But it just seems to come more easily now that I want to be in class instead of the torture it seemed like when I took a math class in high school. It also doesn't hurt that I am fortunate enough to have a really great instructor that can actually make perfect sense out of something as complicated as Algebra.

I attend my Nursing Fundamentals class on Monday. This class is the shot of adrenaline I need to keep me going the rest of the week. My instructor is smart and insightful. I love discussing dosage calculations, medication dosing, MARs, doctors orders and all the bits and pieces that make up a lot of what working as a nurse entails. This is where I am in my element. It all clicks for me in this class. It's especially apparent that my years of working on a hospital unit as a CNA, drawing labs as a phlebotomist, scanning patients in a diagnostic radiology department, and working as a tech in an operating room is going to pay off big.

My eyes widen and I can feel my pulse race when the familiar words ring in my ears. I know this already; drug orders, wasting, proportions, syringes, injections, calculating I.V. infusions....this stuff is already in my blood, soldered to my bones. I already love it so I don't even have to think about it. The knowledge already lives in me. For me, this class is effortless and that is exactly the motivation I need to help me get through other classes that aren't as simple...mainly chemistry. Finding atomic weights and calculations made with Avagadro's Number are like poison under my skin. I can feel my brain start to fry as soon as I sit down in class. This makes the floating happiness I have while sitting in my nursing class that much more important. I know I have to pass the evil class to continue on to the fun ones.

Anatomy and Physiology is another class with a big "Oh, I get it now!" mantra. So many years spent being exposed to labs and tests and reading operating reports and patient charts has left me with lots of info saved up for future use. But it wasn't compete information, like swiss-cheese I had some good stuff, but there were lots of holes. This class is the filler I've needed to connect the dots. Like knocking over stacked dominoes, I understand how one relation to the body sets of a chain reaction to many others. It's so exciting to have all the puzzle pieces now!

It's nearly the end of the quarter which means finals (bleck) but time for new classes too (yay) and a chance for even more ah-ha! moments.

Update

2008-08-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

Even though school is at the top of my list with nearly every activity I carry out through the week, I broke away from my schedule for nine hours (almost exactly) and finally read Breaking Dawn.

Whew. It was a fast and furious 768 pages but very satisfying to have gotten through it so I didn't have it nagging at the back of my brain. It was hard to take so much suspense when friends and family are calling to ask if I had a chance to read it yet or hinting at certain plot points. I was paranoid I was going to hear a spoiler on TV or read something on the internet. I just couldn't take waiting any longer. I was able to hold off until AFTER midterms which was pretty satisfying. And I'm also happy to report that I passed all my exams with flying colors.

The book was a great ending to an already fabulous story. I'm happy that I can still participate in my own little guilty pleasures of reading without having to sabotage my responsibilities as a student. Learning to balance my school and everyday life is proving to be the toughest job ever, but I think, for now, I can celebrate this little achievement! Now I can look for ward to the next instalment of The Host and the Twilight Movie!

Sacrifices

2008-08-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that nursing school is big time. I know there will be major sacrifices made by not only me, but my family and friends during the next two years. I agonized over possible scenarios that would present themselves, trying to mentally prepare myself for the cutbacks that were inevitable. I made mental preparations of how I would handle each situation and that left me confident that I could withstand most temptations and remain un-budged in my scholarly ethics.

I think I've done pretty well so far. I've turned down many social functions to allot myself more time for flashcards, studying and reading. I've made index cards with all the material I need to have mastered by the end of the week and I relish in the giant black "X"s I slash through each item when I have it completed. I know it's paying off because my grades are excellent.

I've turned down going out the movies and getting a cocktail with my lady friends in order to study. I've cancelled hair cut appointments and even resulted to dying my lovely locks with a store bought box dye in the effort to save on expensive"luxuries" like a visit to the salon. I'm well aware of the hefty tuition payment that is due the first every month and I've talked myself into believing that that Clairol isn't half bad.

But nothing prepared me for this.

I didn't buy the new Twilight book, "Breaking Dawn" because midterms are this week and I didn't want the added distraction of a book I wouldn't be able to put down until it was read. It was released at midnight on Friday and I wasn't in line. My co-workers and sister and friends have been reading all weekend while I labeled the bones included in the axial skeleton and tried to figure out the differences between total and net ionic equations while memorizing the rules of chemical reactions where oxidation takes place. Buh.

I'd wanted so badly to spend Saturday absorbed in my book; lost in the story of Edward and Bella. Instead, I sat in a hard metal chair in the library, making flashcards and labeling lamella and lacunae on the never-ending diagrams wallpapering the desk where I sat. It took all my self control not to head down to the new release shelves only two floors below me to see if there was a copy waiting for me.

So here I sit, very well prepared for my exams tomorrow but behind on the next literary phenom. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't accidentally read or hear a spoiler on the news or web. I've made it this far, what's a few more days, right?

I remember when...

2008-07-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

I have fond memories of hitting up my capitalist freedoms in search of the perfect purse. The shopping mall, a department store, a thrift store-all had the potential for the next great find. A good purse found at a ridiculous price is like a badge of honor. When fashioning the newest piece at the next girlish gathering, you can be sure to catch the eye of a friend or two who will have to comment on your new bag and of course, gasp in disbelief when you divulge at what nominal fee this beauty set you back.

Sadly, my favorite bags have been retired. I now lug an enormous backpack full of books, paper, folders, a calculator (for those pesky dosage calculations!) and properly labeled plastic bags full of my handmade flash cards. Functional is now the word of the day and my brown and orange, triple-zippered behemoth is just that.

Some nights, while sitting at my kitchen table, I gaze out across the textbooks spread around me and catch a glimpse of my Ed Hardy inspired clutch as it hangs, unmoving from it's hook; neglected and empty.

I guess it's the silly things you end up missing the most when your dedication takes you far away from your normal routine.

Top Notch

2008-07-12T22:36:00.000-07:00

My husband pretty much rules.

When the UPS man showed up at our door on Wednesday, I assumed he was delivering another guitar accessory for the "baby" he is currently obsessed with. When I noticed the size of the box, I knew it was much too large to be holding a new pickguard or pickup.

He then informs me that the box is for me to open. A gift.

It was all I could do to not go into complete hysterics when I folded back the box flaps to see a brand new Gateway laptop staring back at me. I had been secretly eye-balling them since starting school but knew money was too tight to even think about making such a purchase. The husband assures me that he in fact, did not sell his soul to the devil, or participate in any other sort of damning behavior to acquire such a gem. I am trying really hard to believe him. I will admit that at this point, I'm so in love with "Lappy" the laptop, that I myself would be willing to participate in questionable behavior(s) in order to keep him. The direct consequences of a nursing student in desperate need of Wikipedia on the go.

I'm looking forward to my first study session at my favorite coffee shop and I know my fancy notebook will come in handy during finals when I have the option to escape the distractions of my little house and hide at the library only a few blocks away. Freedom=mobile internet devices, and I am taking full advantage of this technological miracle.

Transportation

2008-07-10T14:49:00.001-07:00

My school is about 20 miles from my house. And with gas prices soaring and the fact that we only have one car and my husband would need it to take the kids to their schools, I knew that I was going to have to figure out another way to commute to school four days a week. My first option was to take TRAX since I get an employee discount pass through the hospital that costs only six dollars a month. I checked out the routes and was pretty satisfied that I would be able to get to school on time with a ride on the TRAX train and a quick ride on a city bus to make up the difference.

My first attempt at the TRAX/bus route seemed to work OK except when I got off TRAX I learned that my bus was running behind. So I had to wait an extra 45 minutes for the next bus. UGH. I was nearly an hour late to school. I decided the city buses were not punctual enough for my needs, so that idea was out.

Take two. I decided I would still take TRAX only I would ride my bicycle to the station, take the train and then ride from the station to school and bypass the whole bus fiasco. The first morning I woke up early, lugged on my 70lb backpack and hopped on my bike. It wasn't as comfortable as my trial run the night before but I was determined. Only a few blocks from my house I heard a noise like something falling from the bike. I pulled over, checked the gears and the pedals and also checked that my iPod was still snug in my pocket. Everything was fine. I continued on and made it to the TRAX station before I realized my cell phone was not in my pocket...yup, it was my phone jumping out of my pocket that had made the sound blocks before.

I pedaled like mad to make it back to the intersection where I remember hearing the noise. Sure enough, there was my phone, smashed and broken. My legs were killing me with the effort of riding, my shoulders were aching from the weight of my back pack and I was still going to be late for school. There had to be another way. Why was trying to be eco-friendly turning out to be such a nightmare?!

I decided it was high time I learned to ride the scooter.

A few years ago we purchased a 2003 Piaggio LT150. It's always been the standard for short trips but my husband has always driven it and I've only ridden as the passenger. He was nice enough to teach me a few things and before I knew it, I was zipping around the neighborhood. I felt confident enough that I could take it on the extended trip to school.

The first morning of the scoot ride started off great. I was nervous but it was so early in the morning, I had the road to myself. This made it easier to drive more cautiously with out having to worry about pissing off the driver behind me. I nearly made it half way before, while at a stop light, the scooter vibrated and then went silent....it was dead! I rolled it to the side of the road and up onto the sidewalk to see if I could get it to start. I jiggled the keys, checked the gauges and the oil. Everything was perfect. What gives? My repeated calls home went unanswered. Everyone was still asleep and had no clue I was stranded. So, I parked the scooter near a shopping center and started to walk. Every half block or so I would put a call home into my phone and pray silently that someone would answer. Over thirty minutes later I was still walking when my husband FINALLY woke up and answered the phone. I was beyond upset at this point. He came to rescue me and as we drove to check out the scooter I told him, "You know when we get to the scooter you're going to touch it and it will start right up." Sure enough, he hit the started button one time and she rumbled to life. UGH.

I'm convinced at this point that Satan knows that I'm going to be one incredible nurse. Probably save hundreds if not thousands of lives and that is why he is determined to keep me discouraged and transportation-less so that I will drop out of school. He should also know then that I don't give up that easily.

Today I was my first trip all the way out to school and back on the scooter with no problems. It felt really good to be able to overcome my own fears and hesitations about that mode of transportation and turn it into a positive part of my schooling. And I'm actually surprised to learn that I had FUN while driving it. It's empowering. And with a mileage of 75mi/gallon, the scooter is my new best friend.

Chemistry

2008-07-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

His voice, like tires rolling over gravel or more likely, from years of smoking Marlboro reds, crunches down the hall as I make my way to the door marked clearly by a plaque bearing a blood-red colored 108.

An image briefly appears, a ghost before my eyes-his silent outline slumped in a faded recliner, encased by a dimly lit apartment; blue smoke, tinted by the illumination of a television, curls up toward his squinted eyes from the cigarette balanced between two jaundiced fingers...

The light changes as I step through the doorway. My eyes travel quickly to the brown leather backpack with brass buckles resting on the industrial grey carpet. It instantly gives him away, only deepening the chasm between himself and the current trends.

Clueless, he takes the helm as captain and commander of our potentially sinking ship. Calling out orders in his sandpaper voice; most are quick to follow, assuming his leadership is genuine.

I commit the first act of mutiny as I walk silently to the opposite side of the classroom to claim my seat, only too aware of maintaining a strict distance between myself and his infiltrating creepiness. Happy to float alone in my own sea of apprehension, I lug the seven pound tome from my satchel and quickly dissolve into it's Bible-thin pages.

Self Diagnosis

2008-07-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

Agnosia is loss of the ability to associate objects with their usual role or function. Agnosia is relatively rare. Agnosia is caused by dysfunction in the parietal, temporal, or occipital lobes of the brain, where memories of the uses and importance of familiar objects, sights, and sounds are stored. Agnosia often develops suddenly after a head injury or stroke.Symptoms vary depending on the lobe that is damaged:If the Occipital lobe is effected: People cannot recognize common objects, such as a spoon or a pencil, even though they can see these things. This impairment is called visual agnosia.Some people with agnosia improve or recover spontaneously. Others must learn to cope with their strange disability. No specific treatment exists.

My first day of college courses was only mildly successful. Maybe next time I'll remember to add a pencil and/or paper(s) to my back pack before racing out the door....I think there is a pencil laying next to an uncompleted exercises on the importance of the Endocrine System but it may just be a flare-up of my visual agnosia due to the complete brain fry currently in progress. I know how to be a good student, I just have to remind my brain cells.

It Begins...

2008-06-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

I attended a short orientation yesterday to meet instructors and pick up my books for the quarter. I wasn't able to meet the rest of my classmates due to some scheduling issues. Turns out most of them were on vacation and were unable to make it....I guess I'm the only one who drove fifteen hours from South Dakota to be there on time.It's strange to see this pile of books on my desk. I keep thinking Elliott left them there. Then I remember they are mine and that makes my heart want to explode.I haven't even taken the shrink wrap off them yet because I'm afraid I'll have to give them back. Or maybe I haven't opened them because then it becomes too real. What if I peek at a page and see the diagrams and the pictures and realize I'm in over my head and this curriculum is too difficult? Better to leave them lying on the desk, wrapped and sealed...and harmless.T-minus homework. Wish me luck.

Essay

2008-06-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

When I decided to go back to school the first hurdle to cross was the Nursing School Application. It was a very detailed process, not intended for the casual applicant. There was a list, two pages long, detailing the information required before you could even be considered as a student in the program. Some of it was more easily completed such as getting copies of my certifications and tracking down a few wonderful people who were willing to provide a written referral on my behalf.

The most difficult requirement was the request for an essay; three to five pages outlining why I was applying for the program, the experiences in my life that helped me choose nursing as a career and what I would be willing to sacrifice in order to become a full-time student. I don't like talking about myself so this task seemed very daunting. Luckily, I have some connections and was able to have a wonderful editor help me out. I think the outcome was exceptional, especially on such short notice and obviously it was successful because I was offered a spot in the program.

For your reading pleasure, here is a copy of my nursing school application essay.

My interest in healthcare began at an early age. There is one very important memory which has stayed with me during my whole life and has had an enormous impact on my career path. During the fourth grade, after taking a science exam, I was called up to stand at the front of the class. My teacher explained that after the most recent exam, I was the only student in the class to have achieved a 100% grade for the entire unit of science curriculum over the complete school year. I was then awarded with a very fashionable ribbon, emblazoned with a stethoscope, to wear for the rest of the school day. I remember beaming, standing and the front of the class, hoping that feeling would never go away. The most remarkable thing is that the subject matter came so easy to me; I hadn’t even realized I was scoring at such an advanced level. It wasn’t school work for me, it was fun and I loved it. I maintained that interest throughout my career as a student and enrolled in nearly all the science classes my middle school and high school had to offer.
My first venture into the healthcare world began after my completion of a phlebotomy training course in 2001. I enjoyed working directly with patients and excelled as a phlebotomist but I felt as if there was more I could do to help people. A few months later I completed a certified nurse’s aid program and was immediately drawn to bedside care. The program required clinical hours in a hospital setting, at an extended care facility, and at an urgent care center. I was introduced to many facets of healthcare but it was direct contact with my patients which I looked forward to the most. I liked talking with them, listening to them, holding their hand and helping them. It wasn’t always easy, but I found a personal satisfaction with my work and that was enough for me.
After completing my CNA, I accepted employment at the University of Utah Hospital on a special care unit and instantly fell in love with not only my patients, but my nurses too. I found that I enjoyed supporting the nursing staff and was thrilled with the friendships that developed in the process. I also cemented a special bond with the Cystic Fibrosis patients that frequented the unit, which led my ongoing participation with the Great Strides walk organized by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. The unit was a jumble of patients ranging in age from pediatric to geriatric requiring all manner of cares and assistance. Every shift was a new adventure and I absorbed all I could from my nurses, resident physicians and patients. My experiences were unmatched, but I was ready for more. I felt I wanted a new challenge and the technical side of medicine seemed to be the next great adventure. I knew how to take care of the patients on the unit, but wanted to learn more about how they came to be on my unit. The art of diagnosing a patient intrigued me, like solving a puzzle, so I turned to diagnostic radiology.
I began working with Intermountain Healthcare at Cottonwood Hospital in 2005. I was trained exclusively in the CT department and fell in love with a new branch of the healthcare field. I enjoyed learning the more technical side of diagnosing patients and excelled quickly. I learned about aseptic techniques and draping a sterile field for biopsy procedures. I was trained to start intravenous catheters and gained confidence as a skilled IV tech. After Cottonwood Hospital closed its doors in 2007, I transferred facilities within the Intermountain family and began working at Primary Children’s Hospital in the operating rooms.
At Primary Children’s Hospital, I assist in caring for patients in a surgical setting. This has been the most challenging of my experiences so far, but an amazing one, and has also offered many different outlets for me to learn and grow as a healthcare provider. The OR is a very high volume area that circulates many patients on a daily basis, some with very specific needs. There are many different areas within the rooms and I’ve enjoyed learning from and working beside anesthesiologists, pharmacists, surgical techs, nurses, and residents; sometimes all during a single case. It’s also been an adjustment for me since the patient population is nearly all small children. Caring for children is much different than an adult who understands why they are there and why they are sick. I’ve borrowed from my own experiences as a mother to help ease my patient’s fears and the fears of the parents too. Working in healthcare sometimes means being a support for not only the patient but for the family members as well. I’ve had many opportunities to extend the skills learned from my experiences in direct beside care to listen to the mothers and fathers, hold their hands and sit with them while their baby is in surgery.
My work as a CNA has given me a firsthand knowledge about what it takes to be a nurse. I’ve observed many nurses on the job and I’m familiar with what it entails. I have enjoyed being their support and their friend but I’m prepared for the next step in my own future. I’ve spent years bathing patients, helping them dress, ambulate and eat. I’ve emptied bedpans, catheters and drains. I’ve answered call lights, monitored vital signs and documented pages of cares and special needs of individual patients. I’ve been peed on, thrown up on, pushed, kicked and bled on-there’s nothing I haven’t gone through to get the job done. I’ve paid my dues and I deserve to be a part of this program and achieve my goal of a nursing degree. I look forward to the day that I walk into my very first patient room, and I get to introduce myself as their nurse.
Through the years I’ve have spent working in the healthcare field, I’ve felt like I have been searching for an area that didn’t agree with me. I kept telling myself that as soon as I failed, I would know that nursing was not the right path for me to take. Only I never failed. In fact, I discovered I relished in every new challenge and found happiness in my duties. I sacrificed many years that could have been dedicated to pursuing my education, by instead testing the waters to decide if I was dedicated enough to follow through with a career in nursing. I am confident that one day, I will walk into a patient room and with a smile on my face, introduce myself as their nurse. I know that I will be able to achieve this goal through hard work, sacrifice and dedication. I’ve adjusted my work schedule, ended a process of house-hunting and decided to rent our home for two more years, bought a TRAX pass and printed out the schedule for every bus route and TRAX route from my home to Utah Career College in case there’s an issue with my own personal transportation. I’m prepared for anything and that is what will make me successful in this program.
I posses an intense appreciation for the nursing field that began when I walked into my very first patient room as a CNA. Consistent with that fateful day in fourth grade when I was awarded for my efforts in science class, I am beaming, proud of myself, how far I’ve come and most importantly, at peace with my calling. I want to be a nurse.

Going For It

2008-06-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

No one will read this, and that is perfectly OK with me. It takes some of the pressure off of trying to put together paragraphs that are grammatically correct if I don't have to worry about pleasing an audience.

Two months ago I went out on a limb and decided to apply for an accelerated RN (registered nurse) program at UCC. After a very detailed application process and nerve-wracking interview, I was offered a place in the program. Of course, I accepted. The wonderful thing about this program is that it's considered a private school so the facility gets to pick and choose who they want to attend. The classes are small (around 15 students and sometimes even as few as eight) which is great because there's a lot of opportunities for one-on-one attention and tutoring. The downside? The facility also gets to set it's very own fee schedule. Let me just say that they are very smart in setting you up with an appointment with the financial aid department until much after you've already accepted your spot in the program and signed up for classes. It's REDICULOUCLY EXPENSIVE. But the more I thought through it, the more I realized that a traditional program was going to take much longer and most likely, end up costing the same. So in the end, I toughened up, took on some awesome debt and started classes.

I thought it would be informative to document my weeks and months and years as a nursing student. Maybe one day I'll be able to look back at all of my ramblings and writings and be able to find a deeper meaning in all of it. Or maybe I'll look back and wonder how in the hell I didn't jump off a bridge.