Nauseous

When I completed my CNA course seven years ago, I bought myself a graduation present. A Littmann stethoscope personalized with my name. I hoped one day I would be using this same stethoscope to auscultate my own patients as their nurse. My plans to return to school were side-tracked for a few years and the stethoscope found a new home laying in the back of my linen closet.

Last week I unearthed it from the pile of old towels and pillowcases. I held it lightly, remembering the times I had used it. I wondered if I would ever be able to use it as an RN.

I take my first final exam today. I've tried my best to study in every available moment. I recite terminology while brushing my teeth. I practice naming the chemical compounds on the back of my shampoo bottle while I wash my hair. I recite the mitosis cycle of the cell while I'm scooting my way to school. Sometimes, while stopped at a red light, I catch myself calling out terminology and I don't realize the windows of the car parked next to me are down. They probably wonder why the heck this lady on the scooter is talking to herself about the endocrine system....

My greatest fear is that I'll never be able to use my fancy Littmann for anything other than a Halloween costume, or the occasional play day when the girls want to play "baby doctor" and borrow it to "listen" to the heart of their CareBears and baby dolls.

It hangs at the side of my desk now. Slightly swinging with the vibrations of my busy household. Like a clock's pendulum, ticking off the seconds that bring me closer to success....or to failure.

...I think I'm going to throw up.